Author: Sandi Merle
Vocal: Bruce Adler
Piano: Zalmen Mlotek
The following special broadcast is brought to you by Kalman's Kosher Kitchens,
makers of Kalman's homemade Cholent,
where our motto is,
if it isn't heartburn, it wasn't Cholent.
Oh, they call him Kalmen,
with a capital K,
and he keeps things Kosher,
out on the range all day,
there be no monkey business,
way out here in the west,
not as long as he wears that Magen David on his chest.
Hello, little Buckaroos, and Buckerats,
וואס הערט זיך, וואס מאכט זיך, וואס טוט זיך
Welcome to the Kalmen the Kosher Cowboy Show.
Today we're going to take you on a little trip to The Mountains.
Not the Rocky Mountains,
not the Himalayas,
but the real mountains,
the Emeseh [true] Mountains,
way up north in New York State,
the Catskill Mountains!
Listen, if you will,
to the legend of Moishe Bloom,
otherwise known as:
the last glass of tea.
I checked into the hotel,
I was taken to my room.
My name is Mr. Goldstein,
and I shared with Mr. Bloom,
when all at once a voice I heard,
it came from the PA,
good ladies and kind gentlemen,
we're serving dinner right away.
Oy, yippee-i-ooh, oh, yippie-i-yay, yee hee!
The dining room is open,
and they're serving right away!
So we Shpatzired [strolled] down to the main building,
and we walked into the lobby,
then into the dining room,
myself, Menasha Goldstein,
and my roommate, Moshe Bloom.
They gave us such a menu,
so much food, I said, Oy Vey,
but Bloom said never mind him!
Just bring it right away!
Oy, yippee-i-ooh, oy, yippie-i-yay,
Bloom looked at the menu and said,
Oh boy, come on, bring it right this way.
This was not a menu,
it was “Gone with the Wind.”
He started with a bowl of borscht,
a knaidel and a soup.
A latke, some pastrami,
then his chin began to droop.
He opened up his collar,
and had a liver canopé,
then he yelled for Alka-Seltzer,
because the room began to sway.
Oy, yippee-i-yo, oy, yippie-oy-vey,
Gevald! Bring me Alka-Seltzer,
Gevald! I'm fainting dead away.
I walked out in the air with him,
and I helped him to his room,
then I felt a tugging at my sleeve,
and it was Mr. Bloom,
Oy Goldstein, where are you going?
You're heading the wrong way.
Let's go back to the dining room,
you know, dessert is on the way.
Oy, yippee-i-yo, oy, yippie-oy-vey,
come on, partner, let's go back to the dining room, hoo hoo,
dessert is on the way!
So we doubled back to the old bar dining room and sat down.
And again, he read the menu,
and again, he ordered more.
I thought of one or two desserts,
but Bloom, he ordered four.
A honey cake, a strudel,
a pineapple upside down,
a jubilee of cherries.
Oy, but what to wash it down?
Oy, A Glazele Tey,
Bring me A Glazele Tey!
The waiter answered,
yes there, Mr. Bloom.
You want some tea?
It's coming right away.
Well dessert arrived,
and as I live,
I doubted my own eyes,
he'll never make a dent in it,
but then to my surprise,
he ate each crumb,
licked the spoon,
and fainted dead away,
“it must have been the glass of tea,”
the waiter heard him say.
Oy, A Glazele Tey,
just put him away,
a dirty rotten glass of tea,
got Moishe Bloom today.
Oy, A Glazele Tey,
just put him away,
Oy, A Glazele Tey,
just put him away,
That dirty rotten glass of tea,
got Moishe Bloom today.
